10 ways to irritate your doctor.

From Dr. Rob last week was this post:

Top 10 ways to annoy your doctor

Very amusing. My personal favorite is #8, send your teenage son or elderly parents with dementia to the office alone, without letting anybody know what the appointment is for. Sound crazy? Ha!

To be fair, the next post was:

Top 10 ways doctors can annoy patients

Here's my own personal top 10 historical, real-life ways I have been pissed off by patients. Have I covered this before? If so I do apologize, but it's Friday afternoon and I'm too lazy to look.

Lie about reason for appointment: Never, ever say, "I told the nurse I had a cold, but really, I'm having an affair, I want to kill somebody, and I haven't pooped in a week, and I'm addicted to my sister's Ativan." I'm still angry about that one.

"I don't know why my wife scheduled this damn appointment. Ask her." She's not here and I'm not interested in being in the middle of your marital conflict. Don't come if you don't know why the hell you have an appointment. I'm a doctor, not a psychic.

Give ME some drugs: A mom lied once about getting her daughter an appointment ostensibly for a rash. As I was about to walk into the room, the mom jumped out of the bathroom and demanded that I confront her daughter about her drug use. Screamed at me in the hallway.

Argue with me about dibby dab: I once gave an elderly gentleman Darvocet for some moderate arthritis pain. He came back a week later and told me I needed to refill the medication I gave him, then he handed me a bottle of Percocet. I told him I hadn't prescribed it. He told me I had. I pointed out that the name on the bottle wasn't mine. And wasn't his.

A gaggle of thieves: If you have six kids, DO NOT schedule an appointment for one, then show up with six and ask me (after my receptionist has already told you NO) to look at everybody's ears. Then don't ask me if I can examine your breasts and talk about your anxiety disorder.

Could you babysit? Don't schedule your pap smear and expect to get it if you bring your three small children with you. Don't. Don't tell me it will be fine for them to sit by me on the floor during the exam. No. No. No.

If you're a dude: Don't come to see me for pink eye, then tell me that there's something in your groin you need me to check out, harder, harder. Seriously, now. Do I look like I care, or that I was born yesterday?

Don't ever, ever call my staff a name, any name. Ever. Don't yell at them. First, they get the job done. They call in your refills, they phone you about your test results. They schedule your appointments. Wanna be at the top of the stack or the bottom? Want the office staff at the urologist's office to hate you before they've even met you? My staff tells me everything. I live with these people. They have my back, and yours, too. Here's an example of what not to do, "Listen, I'm coming right over there, BIT$H, whether you have an appointment or not, and if your directions are wrong, you're gonna pay." No, you're not going to be seen, and the police are going to take you to your car.

I can't get out. When you see me knee deep with EMS laboring over a patient who is struggling to breathe, don't yell into the room, jangling your car keys that you're parked in by the squad in the parking lot, and could they move because you have a lunch date. We are going to turn as one and yell, "NO!" at you.

Last, but not least:

But I'm disabled! Your first appointment is not the time or the place to get 50 refills and lay on me your SSDI paperwork done. DO NOT tell me that disability and FMLA forms were due in HR two weeks ago and if I don't do the paperwork today, right now, that you won't get your check. Too badksi for you.

Here's one for bonus points, just for my fellow providers:

"I haven't had good luck with my last few doctors. They just don't understand me. I've had to fire my last five, and I'm suing at least one. I hope you're better than the last. " I don't! This is a true story, uttered from the mouth of a perfectly healthy patient with a little dyspepsia. We're not exactly a Band of Brothers, but few words send chills through my spine faster than, "I have fired your colleague....." and "Malpractice" at your first appointment, particularly when they're the first words uttered from your mouth.